Over the last five decades, I’ve had the privilege of walking alongside thousands of souls as they navigate the most profound journey a human can undertake: the return to living from their center, from who they truly are. I am blessed to do this work.
In all these years, I’ve continually observed a universal journey. We all come into this world firmly rooted, beaming, and radiating from our authentic self—a state of pure beingness as a young baby. In those early days, we only know how to be authentic. The radiant truth of our being is our only language.
And, for nearly all, there comes a juncture where we encounter the “hot stove” of human experience—a traumatic event, a painful loss or transition, the heavy atmosphere of a struggling parent, etc. In that moment of recoiling from this painful experience, we do something quite extraordinary and deeply intelligent: we adapt.
The Noble Act of Protection
In this light, I invite you to look at your limiting behaviors not as flaws, but as noble acts of protection. When we experience pain—especially in our earliest relationships—we begin creating an adaptive self. If a father was prone to rages, perhaps you learned the art of becoming invisible. If a mother was lost in depression, perhaps you learned to become the “achiever” to bring a flicker of light into the home.
This adaptive self is remarkably resilient. It is the part of you that navigated the impossible so that you could survive. But a challenge eventually arises:
Over time, we begin to mistakenly identify our adaptive behaviors, our protective armor, as who we are. We move away from our authentic nature and begin to live, breathe, and choose from an unconscious ego structure built entirely for survival.
Intimate Relationship:
A “Gold Mine” for Coming Home to Ourselves
The process of coming back to yourself is an archetypal path—what Joseph Campbell called the Hero’s Journey. It is a movement from unconscious protection to becoming anchored in consciously living from your true nature.
I often tell my clients that intimate relationship is the “gold mine” for embracing this transformational process. Why? Because the dynamic nature of a loving partnership has a way of inviting our adaptive patterns out of the shadows. If you learned to be a “pleaser” to survive a volatile childhood, you will likely find yourself avoiding hard truths in your marriage to prevent conflict. Yet, a soul-nourishing relationship requires vulnerability and transparency. As you risk saying hard truths to your partner, you aren’t just strengthening the relationship—you are reclaiming your connection with your authentic self that was tucked away for safekeeping decades ago.
Partnering with a Guide:
Finding Your “Soul Optometrist”
Because the nature of the unconscious is that we have a hard time seeing it by ourselves, this journey of awakening is rarely meant to be traveled alone. These patterns of protection, of survival, are so insidious that they will often re-exert themselves in new, clever ways just to keep you “safe.”
One powerful way to engage a life dedicated to being more conscious and authentic is to have the support of a therapist or guide who acts like an optometrist for the soul. Just as an optometrist places varying strength corrective lenses in front of your eyes and asks, “Is it clearer this way or that way, A or B?” to help you find the best vision, therapy asks, “Is this clear? Is this true? Is this adaptive?” Having a partner in this process—someone who genuinely sees who you are and knows the process of bringing the unconscious conscious—allows for a container of compassion for the growth that can, at times, be quite painful.
A Dialogue Between Selves
In my sessions, I often find it deeply helpful to facilitate clients entering into a real-time dialogue between their core inner aspects, giving each a voice and a “seat on the couch.” When the authentic self and the adaptive self finally discover each other, they can begin to partner as teammates rather than live in conflict.
It might sound like this:
The Adaptive Self: “I’m afraid to take a risk in this relationship. I’m afraid if I tell them how much I love them, they will leave me.”
The Authentic Self: “I hear your fear, and I honor how you’ve kept us safe. But I am here now. I will hold us steady. I’d like to work together to risk being more real and truthful.”
This inner partnership can be cultivated and evolves over time. Often, the adaptive self becomes so relieved because it no longer has to handle the burden of survival and trauma all by itself. This lifelong “wedding” between these two inner aspects deepens and becomes a natural, beautiful way to live.
I want to extend my blessings to your authentic self—and a profound bow of gratitude to your adaptive self that successfully helped you survive in this life. I honor your path of healing—of opening wider your eyes and heart to experience the extraordinary uniqueness of who you are.
Knowing and treasuring our own one-of-a-kind nature opens us to the “pure gold” of this life. And, once you become rooted in a conscious connection with your authentic nature—no one can take that away from you.
With great care,
Gavin
Working With Me
The journey back to your authentic self is the hero’s journey of this lifetime. If you are dedicated to evolving, becoming more conscious—and releasing the unconscious patterns you carry inside—I invite you to explore my website and schedule a complimentary 45-minute conversation with me to explore the possibility of us working together.
